The nurse called yesterday just to check in and see how I was feeling and to see if I had any questions. I didn't call her back. I had to take some time to think about it which I did last night as I was trying to fall asleep. From very deep in my being came tears a flowing....I cried myself to sleep. It was a combination of being scared, tired, achy, worried, etc...
Scared of the procedure: will it hurt, will it work, will it provide the answers they doctors are looking for, what will they find, how will they treat their findings?
Tired: I have been taking advil PM to sleep at night. It's working but I don't want to take it every night. I wanted to fall asleep but I couldn't turn my brain off, you know...the scared and the worry were taking over.
Achy: my hands ache nearly all the time now. It's bad at night when I am laying there trying to get comfortable. Where should I put them? On my stomach, over my head, under my pillow, it's just hard to find the right placement.
Worried: I watched the show "Parenthood" last night. I loved it but I laid in bed wondering what kind of parent I am being. I think I am a good mom, but how do I know for sure? Worried that the procedure next week won't provide the answers and we will need to keep searching. Worried that I will have to take prednisone again. The drug has terrible side effects and I don't like the person I become when I am taking it and I took it for nearly three years because my body and disease became dependent on it. It took forever to wean myself off of it. The other day someone (not my doctor but someone with personal experience with autoimmune disease) said I may just need to take a low dose forever to keep my disease in check. NO, I don't want to. There has to be another answer. Please let there be another answer.
Today I called the nurse back. She said the procedure is fairly quick. I need to be at the hospital at 7:30 and should be on my way home by noon or so. They will get an IV set and give me a conscious sedation. This means that although I will be "awake" I won't be able to remember what's going on. She said I will probably have a sore throat the next day but there shouldn't be any other side effects. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared or worried anymore but I do feel much better about it.
I talked to Emma and Jacob about it last night. Jacob said he understood exactly what was going to happen as he had watched "Animal Emergency" and saw the doctor put a camera scope down the throat of a pelican and they got fishhooks and fishing line out of it's stomach that way.
So that's the update. It feels good to get it out there. Please know that although I don't sound strong, I am. My life has been planned by our great Creator, He holds me in the palm of his hand and I can feel His strength.
Good night.
Kris
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3 comments:
Crying's ok, it doesn't last forever, and although it sucks while in the midst of it, it feels better after having finished.
The love in and around your family and friends is clear to see. And dang, those kids of yours are smart cookies!
I know there'll be good news before long. Love you!
Happy Birthday Kris.
I logged in to see if you had posted an update. Please know that mom and dad aren't the only people who have you 'covered'.
I just realized that when we were with you on Saturday night that I never thought to ask you how you were feeling about your upcoming procedure. I've had you all in my prayers every night and every morning, and I know God will protect you and see you through this ordeal. Hang in there, Kris, I know everything will be all right. God bless.....
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